Grimy Green Goop

WARNING : This post is not for the faint of heart.  If you are opposed to bodily secretions of any kind do not read on. Again, DO NOT READ ON!  Post will take off in 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1. . . . .okay, you asked for it.

Scene:  Upstairs bathroom littered with clothing that has been ripped off in a fury. Toothpaste clumps in the sink, toys on the vanity, and spit dots on the mirror.  The tub is filled with warm bubbly water, and the Johnson and Johnson scent fills the air.

Two little lovelies sit in the tub playing and creating with their bath tub paints . Chortles and chuckles bounce off the walls adorned with palm trees and sand dunes. I am downstairs cleaning up the kitchen dinner mess(or ummmmm. . . eeerrrrrrr. . . .checking my email) when I hear a faint shriek  of "Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww," and then silence.

Bella:       "Mommmeeeeeeee!  We need you upstairs please!"

Me:         "Oh, ummm, sure.  Be there in a minute." *tap, tap, tap. send. opens new email.*

Bella:       "Um, Mommy!" she yells in her most polite voice "Soledad really needs your help!"

Me:          "Okay, I'm coming right now!" *then why are you calling for me if she really needs my help.    crying wolf. tap, tap, tap. send. hmmmm wonder what's on this website.*

Bella:        "Heeeeeelllllllllllllllpppppppp!"

Me:          "On my way, on my way!!!!"

I flew up the stairs taking two by two, flung open the bathroom door, and what did I see?  Not much. Just Bella sitting in the far left corner of the tub with a nauseated look on her face, and Soledad standing naked, dead center, with her leg slightly bent, and stairing at her mid thigh.

Me:          "What is it? What is such an emergency?"

They had nothing.  Just two blank looks on their faces, as they stared back at me as if I was missing something incredibly clear.

Bella says in her most grown-up, business like voice " Mommy, Soledad pooped on herself."

Me:         "What? Seriously? SOLEDAD! You know better than to poop in the tub!  You are a big girl! I am so dissapoointed!  This is so completely gross!!!!!!"

Bella rolls her eyes, while Soledad stands looking confused and bewildered.

Bella:       "Mommy. She. Did. Not. Poop. In. The. Tub."

Me:         "Well, did she poop in the toilet?  Then why did you call me up here? Sorry, Soli. Mommy's not mad; I thought you pooped in the tub. But you pooped in the toilet. Good girl."

Bella looked at me as if I was completely hopeless.  Clearly, her voice was straining now.

"Mommy. That's not what I said. Soledad did not poop in the toilet." she sighed.

"THEN WHERE DID SHE POOP?" I yelled, thoroughly exasperated.

"On her leg."

Still confused, we both moved in for a closer look. Obviously, there was a drop of poo on Soledad's leg about the size of a small grape. Yet, oddly enough, not a drop of poo in the tub, in the toilet or anywhere in between. None in the crack or in any of that jack. 

Did Soledad poot, and a morsel jumped out of her hiney onto her leg? I don't know. 

Are the pores on Soledad's legs secreting toxic waste? I don't know.

Is Soledad hiding grape sized balls of poo under her arms to pull out at opportune moments to torment me and her sisters? Maybe. But, I don't think so.

Honestly, I think we just witnessed some type of natural poo phenomenon. Where poo just spontaneously appears out of no where. Even today,Soledad still has a dumb struck look on her face and keeps repeating, "Mommy we don't poop in the tub right? I didn't poop in the tub, right?  Where is that poop?"

I don't know, Soli, I don't know.

But,what I do know is this, THAT DAY, Bella took one for the team.  She remained calm during a crisis, used her communication skills to accurately convey the urgency of the situation (albeit to a dense and confused authority), and kept her wits in a completly gross situation.  She was not deterred by spontaneously arriving poo, she was not freaked out by smelly grape sized balls on her sister's leg. She did not throw in the towel when her confused mother roamed around the bathroom yelling needlessly.

So here's to you Bella, and all you do. For putting up with poo in the bathtub on more than one occassion. For loving us all, even in our grossest moments, and for being the light that shines on our hearts every single day.  We love you.  Hope you have fun doing this gross goopy project.

XOXO Mommy

Grimy Green Goop
This stuff is like a marriage between play dough and slime.  We like to call it "Goop".  My kids sit around and pretend to make pies, cookies and weird creations with it.  It's kinda like playing in mud, only without the dirt.

Note: Be sure to cover your table with plastic.. It makes clean up a lot easier.

What You Need:
1/2 cup cornstarch
1/2 cup water plus 1 1/2 cup boiling water
Green Food Coloring

What To Do:

1.  Mix 1/2 cup of  cornstarch with 1/2 cup of water.  Set aside.
2.  Boil 1 1/2 cups of water in a saucepan.
3.  Once water has reached the boiling point, remove from heat. Add cornstarch mixture, while stirring constantly. 
4.  Continue to stir and add 10 drops of green food coloring.
5.  Allow mixture to cool to room temperature. Children can have a great time playing with the goop "as is" or with utensils such as plastic cutlery.

Movie Night Popcorn

4:30 am, Saturday morning. Quiet. Dark. Can't sleep. I rolled over and nuzzled my forehead into the open space between Warwick's neck and shoulder. Perfect fit. Just like a puzzle.

I closed my eyes, once again, and waited for the stillness in my mind to return. But, instead I heard the wind whipping against the window pane, and some crazy a** bird singing a lullaby. I flipped over, scooting my tail into Warwick's side, and fluffed my pillow as I placed it against my cheek.

"Go to sleep." I thought. "Go to sleep. Go to sleep." Silence. Nothing.

I rolled myself out of bed, and stumbled into the office. The desk chair groaned and creaked as I pulled out the keyboard and logged onto the computer. The light from the screen shone into my face, and my fingers instinctively wandered off and began tapping on the keys.

The sound of the tapping was hypnotic. The haze of blues and grays that filtered into the house was calming, heavenly.

So I sat, and I dreamed of the day ahead and the perfection that it could hold. I love this time of day, when I'm always optimistic, and I'm my true self.

And then, the blackness came. As quickly as the calm had risen, it ran away fleeing from me, back into the forbidden lair from which it had come.

"Moooommmmmmeeeeeee, Bella said I can't . . . . ."

Seriously. Are you serious? It is only 6:00 am, I'm not ready. . . I'm not ready . . . I'm not ready."

I wanted to retreat; the battle had not yet began, and already I was heading for the hills. And I did. I retreated into my selfish hole that I sometimes crawl into, my bunker that's only big enough for me. I came out often enough to yell "Be nice to your sister! Stop being so ungrateful!" and the ever threatening "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". I performed only the duties that I was obligated to, and allowed the rest to fall by the wayside.

After lunch, we headed to my eldest daughter's basketball game. I sat in the car as long as I could, and only went into the gym when I knew the game was about to start.

As I sat in my chair, my sweet little Soledad climbed into my bunker and onto my lap. She nuzzled her cute little head into the empty space between my neck and my shoulder. Perfect fit. Just like a puzzle.

In the background, I could hear the rumble of thunder as it tried to make an entrance. There was a loud CRACK!, a flash of lightening, and then the lights went out. The lights flickered on, once or twice, and then turned back on again. It all happened so quick. I don't think anyone else noticed.

I shook my head to get my bearings, and as I did, I looked down at Soledad. The blackness had faded away, and in it's place, perfection. Maybe this was a perfect day. I was surrounded by all five of my puzzle pieces, and my puzzle was complete. There was nothing more that I needed. So, I decided to stop, and just be grateful.

I think tonight we'll have a little movie night, in quiet celebration of one another. We'll watch a little Harry Potter, and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. We'll be thankful for the family that is our own, and maybe even have a little popcorn.

Movie Night Popcorn

" This is a humble little concoction that we make on special movie nights. We use leftover Trick or Treat candy that has been put away and reserved for later use."

Ingredients:

Freshly popped popcorn ( do yourself a favor, and pop it stove top - well worth the effort)

1 per person of each of the following:

Quart size baggies

snack size skittles

snack size m&m's

handful of mini marshmallows

handful of nuts

Directions:

Place 3 cups of popped popcorn into each bag. Add skittles, m&m's, marshmallows, and nuts. Toss and Enjoy!

James Morrison - You Give Me Something

Nobody's going to be knocking on your door telling you that I'm an authority on music.  In fact, people (i.e. my sister and my husband) may come knocking on your door to tell you I know NOTHING about music. That I have awful taste in music, that I'm not hip, hop, or otherwise inclined.  Well, they wouldn't say that, but I would, which is why they would also say I'm not very cool.  Which by the way this post is going, you might conclude is true.

But to my defense, I KNOW WHAT I LIKE.  And this my friends, is a pretty little diddy that I came across the other day, when I was being a silly little girl with my best friend.



It makes me dance around when I'm cleaning up the house. It makes me sing and smile to my children. When I hear this song my heart begins to flutter and all I want to do is be consumed by the music. I catch my head bobbing and my eyes closing.  It's quite miraculous, to say the least. It pulls me back to a time when my only job in the world was to figure out what makes me happy. And this song, really, really, makes me happy.


And so does this video (below).  Now, were back to the "silly little girl" part. Which is probably the most important reason I love this song.  I won't even try to deny it, I love Twilight. The books, the movies, the parodies, the actors, the t-shirts, the pillows. Everything. But, what I think I love most, is Edward Cullen, vampire extraordinaire (for lack of a better term).  Edward is played by Robert Pattinson, seen in this pictorial montage.



Okay say it!  I'm acting liking a teeny bopper. 

I DON'T CARE!!!!  MY HAPPINESS IS WORTH IT!!!!

Black Crayon Scratch Art

Every six months, or so, my kids go to the dentist. Yesterday was that day.  The gang went in; I sat down, opened a magazine, and relaxed.  It was really rather nice.

About 20 minutes into my spa retreat, a really cute 40-something lady walked in with 3 teenage girls (also super cute) all dressed up in their prep school uniforms. 

I started to run over to that lady and yell. . . . . .
"Hey there! My name is Nicole.  I have girls too.  I have 4, and you have 3; that's neat.  We have a lot in common."

But then I thought better of myself.  That lady will really think I'm crazy, and well frankly, she might be correct. So instead, I calmly remained in my seat pretending to read my magazine, as I spied on the perfect little family sitting to my right.

It was like a dream.  Maybe not your dream, but definitely mine.  The mom was dressed in a really posh running suit as opposed to my, too big hippie blouse and (dare I say it) maternity jeans. . . . no I'm not pregnant. . . .Uuuggghhhh.

Her girls sat surrounding her. They whispered, chatted about this and that, giggled and smiled a lot. I even caught them eyeing me and Phoebe, with twinkles in their eyes. They seemed really happy, well behaved, and peaceful. 'As it should be' I thought.  I could see them at Thanksgivings, Christmases, and on the Fourth of July, beautiful and happy, and happy to be beautiful.  I know.  Crazy thoughts go through my head.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but when I looked up I could see my girls dancing around behind the glass door that separates the office and the teeth cleaning area. The woman also looked up from her magazine, and caught my eye.

"Are those your girls?" she inquired.

"Yes." I smiled.  This is my chance. "And this little one here makes 4."

"Oh wow," she said. "I have 5 girls." And you can only guess where the conversation went from there.  I promptly threw myself onto the floor in front of her, sobbing and tugging at her pants.

"Lady pleeeaaaasssseeeee, tell me the key, the secret password, the magic pill, what is it? I need to know. I'm drowning, my children's clothes don't match, they might be malnourished, and I think I'm having a nervous break down!  When am I supposed to eat, do the laundry, and mop the floor? Help me, please."

Kidding, kidding. I didn't really say that.  I wanted to, but I didn't. What I really said was . . . .

"Wow, yourself!  Looks like things quiet and calm down a bit."

And then the flood gates opened and my girls tromped over to me with stories of strawberry flavored fluoride, new wiggly teeth, and stickers gone amiss. Two seconds had not passed, before Soledad started screaming about a balloon that twisted itself around her ponytail and was killing her, I think. She wiggled and writhed as if in complete and utter agony, as I looked at that woman with a horror stricken face.

Her smile was gentle, and her words were kind.

"Enjoy this time.  It doesn't last forever."

Damn lady, I thought. You must be from the mothership.

So, today I'll try to remember, that someday, today will be the good ol' days. 

And today, I'll hug my babies tight and smile at all their craziness. 

Today, we'll stop, take a breath, and make a craft. Simple and perfect, just like them.


Black Crayon Scratch Art

What You Need:

1 Black Crayon
Crayons of various other colors
White Paper
Pencil, Non-working pen, or unbent paper clip

What To Do:

1. Using your white paper, draw a square of the size picture you would like to make.
2. Color in the entire square with different colored crayons.  Be sure to color darkly. The more color the square the more colorful your end project.
3. With the black crayon completely color over the entire square, covering up every inch of color.  Your square should totally black. 
4. Use your pencil/pen/paper clip to scratch out your very own Picasso.  Have fun!!!

Super Healthy Peanut Butter Banana Smoothie

Bad Mom Moment #793:

Yesterday was picture day.  The girls wanted to wear their hair down.  Get it all flowy, curly, and glammed up.  You know, pop-star like.  I was sick the previous day, so I was unable to wash their hair, and make it a suitable artistic canvas for primping.  Soooooooooo. . . .on picture day, being the good bad mom that I am, I woke up at 5:30 am in order to have time to wash, blow dry, and curl 2 heads of hair before school. I did it, and did it gladly, because I am a good bad mom.

Hair done.  On to clothes.  Shelbi had her pick of the lot in regards to clothes, as she washed her clothes the previous night. Bella on the other hand, had only a small array of items to choose from because I had not (and still have not) washed her clothes in over 2 weeks. Bad Mom.  Shelbi chose a washed out pair of blue jeans with a small hole in the knee, accompanied by some tie-dyed shirt blouse contraption that she wears often.  Cute, but slightly schlumpadinka. Apparently, that is what 3rd graders like.

After I see that Shelbi's outfit is taken care of, we're off to find Bella something to wear.  Oh, looky a pair of comfy jean capri's (that'll be good, it's gym day today) and oh, a nice babydoll shirt, all pink and sugar and spice.  Just like sweet Bella.  Perfect.  "Bye guys, have a great day!"

Fast forward to 3:30 pm, when my 2 dolls walk through the door.  Faces not happy, but not distressed, so that's good, right?

"Mommy," says my angel faced kindergartener.

"Yes, my love."

"All the girls in my class were dressed so fancy for pictures.  They were all so pretty, and I just had on regular clothes. Why did you make me wear this?"

Damn. Damn. Damn. Shoot. Darn it. My momdar got messed up somehow. Signals must have gotten crossed. Maybe I'm not getting my mommy feeds on a regular basis.  I should have known this.

KINDERGARTENER GIRLS STILL WANT TO BE PRINCESS-LIKE. NOT SCHLUMPADINKA LIKE 3RD GRADERS. Bad Mom. Bad Mom. Bad Mom.

"Oh yeh, and mommy" says the nine year old, "Everybody (which I assume amounts to one maybe two kids) wants to know why I always wear the same clothes."

She looks at me as if I might have an answer to why I purchase her lovely clothes, yet she adamantly insists on wearing only 6 items.

"Uh, I don't know.  Because I'm a bad mom?"

Not funny, she says. I think it hit a little too close to home.

So what now.  What have we learned from this?  What is the bright side?  Somebody tell me, my knees are getting weak.

The bright side is that my children actually tell me what is wrong.  They tell me every single cotton pickin' thing that is wrong.  Why? Because they want me to fix it. Nay! They know that I will fix it.  They know that I love them to the deepest depths of the ocean, to the ends of the earth and back, and that when they have a crap moment, they can bring it to mom and I will do my darndest to fix it. It's like I'm some crazy messed up version of a super hero, who messes things up and fixes them in an instant! It's a lot of responsibility riding on my shoulders, but world peace is certainly worth the effort.

So this is what we'll do.  We'll convince Bella that only her face and hair (that was rockin' by the way) will be shown in the picture and that she definitely will look super fancy.  We'll take Shelbi shopping this weekend for clothes that we both like, and we'll shove this awesome Peanut Butter Smoothie down both of their throats the minute they walk in from school, so they don't give me anymore problems to fix.

Oh by the way, my kids wanted me to tell you a few more things I messed up yesterday.
Bad Mom Moment #794 - Shelbi has no socks to wear because they all have holes in them.
Bad Mom Moment #795 - Bella wants a milkshake for stellar performance at softball, she got 2 hits and scored twice. She says she should at least get something because we always bribe Grumpy Shelbi for participating in sports at a mediocre level.
Bad Mom Moment #796 - Soledad says I put the wrong Little Bear Video in at nap time.
Bad Dad Moment #3 (he's not quite as advanced as me) Somebody (daddy) drank the root beer Shelbi has been saving.
Bad Dad/Mom Moment # 300 - There's a sink full of dirty dishes that has been there for ummmm. . . .errrrrrr. . . . . .2 days.

Peanut Butter Banana Smoothie
(This will become a favorite, FAST! So delicious and super good for you.)

1 cup of low fat milk
1 Banana
6 large ice cubes
1 TB Peanut Butter
1-2 TB of protein powder (I like whey protein)
Honey or Splenda

Add milk, banana, and ice to blender. Blend on high. Next, add peanut butter and protein powder. Blend to incorporate.  Add honey or Splenda and sweeten to taste.

This is a great quick breakfast or snack.

Garlic Bread (Kinda Like Little Caesar's But Whole Wheat and Not Made By Little Caesar)

Ssssshhhhhhh.  Come here. *looks over her shoulder nervously*  I need to tell you something, but I don't want my husband to hear.  He says it's not funny. He thinks I'm going crazy.

Because. . .
I think my baby is a vampire.

Are you still there?

No, not the Transylvania, cape wearing, "I vant to suck your blood" type.  The Edward Cullen, beautiful, sparkle in the sun, vegetarian, Twilight type. Don't laugh.  I'm not joking.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I'll give you that.  But just give me a chance to plead my case.

There have been a series of events that have occurred since the day she was born, and well, I'll let you be the judge.

1.  Phoebe (my alleged vampire baby) was not born under normal circumstances. The epidural that was administered did not work.  I am convinced this is because no amount of pain killer can numb or mask a vampire infant chewing and clawing their way out of your coochy.  I know it's not her fault, I don't blame her. It was just her natural instinct to tear open my cervix with her teeth/gums; she's a vampire baby, she doesn't know her own strength.

2. Phoebe is black (like the rest of my family), yet Phoebe is white.  Hmmmmmm. Confused? I thought so. I am fair skinned this is true, so it is not unlikely that Phoebe would be fair too.  But Phoebe is not fair, she is flat out white. Yes, I understand, genetics can play a roll in this. So don't get all scientific on me. But does genetics make your baby's skin sparkle in the sun? I don't think so. See for yourself Exhibit A below.

Add Glitter to your Photos

3. She has tried to eat me before.  My other children can attest to this. There is even a third grade composition written by a certain anonymous big sister, on this very topic. It clearly states, and I'm paraphrasing here . . . On numerous occasions, at night (is that surprising?) Phoebe has been cooing and gooing, and then out of no where Wham! She's got a fist full of my mom's hair, a tight grip on her hoop earring and her mouth suctioned onto her cheek.  She tries to pull away and gingerly tell her "No, Phoebe honey.  You can not eat mommy. Mommy's are not good to eat."  But she just giggles, shakes her head, "no, no, no" and looks at her as if to say "Just wait lady, my incisors are coming in."

4. Phoebe shares the same name as another well know child vampire.  For those of you who have not read Twilight, well, I'm sorry you might not get this, but try and follow. There is a character named "Renesmee" who is a child vampire. Phoebe's middle name is "Wren" pronounced "Ren".  They both have the same freakin' name, almost.  Well the first part of it anyway.  This is not a joke people.  This is our lives! And, and, and, there's that character on "Charmed" played by Alyssa Milano, named Phoebe who is a witch, which is not a vampire, but IS a super creepy Halloween monster type thing.

So there, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming; Phoebe is in fact a vampire.   But, it's okay, really.  I think she has some mutated sort of vampire gene that allows her to survive off of formula, fruit and grains.  She's not really feeling vegetables.  Anyway, I digress.  I just thought it only fair to warn you, just in case she comes crawling your way, you can be prepared.  Oh, and don't even think about trying garlic on that kid.  It won't work.  How do I know? 'Cause she really digs these garlic breadsticks.

Whole Wheat Garlic Breadsticks
(You could use this same recipe with white flour, but it just won't be as healthy. If you really like white flour, try using 1/2 white and 1/2 wheat, and you'll still get a lot of the nutrition of the wheat :) )

1 1/2 cups of warm water
1 teaspoon of white sugar
1 package of dry yeast or 1TB active dry yeast
1 TB canola or olive oil
1 teaspoon of salt
3 1/2 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
2 TB Butter/Margarine
1 clove of garlic chopped
1 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
Grated Parmesan
1 jar Spaghetti or Pizza Sauce

1. Pour water into a large bowl. Add sugar and dissolve. Next, add yeast and let sit until foamy, about 10 minutes.
2. Stir in salt, oil, and flour until combined. Knead on floured surface for about 8 minutes. Place the dough into a well oiled bowl, and cover with a kitchen towel.  Let stand in a warm place for 1 hour.
3. After the dough has doubled, punch down and reform into a tight ball. Place back into bowl and let rise for an additional 45 minutes.
4. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
5. Melt butter.  Add chopped garlic and garlic powder.  Let sit while dough is rising.
6. After 45 minutes, roll dough into a 12" pizza round. Brush dough with garlic butter and sprinkle with parmesan cheese.
7. Bake for 15 minutes or until crust begins to brown slightly.  Serve warm with spaghetti/pizza sauce for dipping.

Bath Tub Paint

You meet a boy. You really dig him. You date him, marry him, and have kids (or any variation, thereof, I'm not judging). You bring your babies home, you love them, feed them, cloth them, and take them on various outings and excursions for spring break.


Your children, run, yell, and squeal with delight at the promise of going to the neighborhood Pizza arcade, the Amusement Park, and the beach. On Monday, the children don't fight, they love one another, they help each other with the arcade games, share tickets, and even take turns riding the bumper cars. Somehow, you pick up two extra kids along the way, but no worries, I'm sure their parents won't miss them. You go home feeling like the best parent EVER, and then you overhear one of your children say "Nothing." In response to the question "What did you do today?"



That's okay. You're made of steel, right? You keep on trekkin'.



By Wednesday, you've made it to the Amusement Park, paid for parking, walked around the campus to assess the plan of attack. Five minutes have passed, and the 3 year old wants to go home because she wants apple juice and hates rides. Huh? Really? No matter. You're a game maker. You knew this time would come, and planned ahead, sort of. A family friend who came along has juice, which will appease her temporarily until you find a ride to enjoy. In the meantime, the 9 year olds are chomping at the bit to ride The Pharaoh’s Fury, and win some stuffed animal on the water gun game. The 5 year old, well, you don't know what has gotten into her. She's not starving, hot, cold, or otherwise complaining, she is just happy to be alive. You're thinking, Is she related to me? Is that my child?



3 hours pass. You look down at your watch, 5:43 pm, and realize that the 5 year old has softball practice in 17 minutes. The 3 year old is still crying (no surprises there), the 9 year olds still haven't ridden the Pharaoh’s Fury or played the water game, and the happy uncomplaining 5 year old is still blissful but doesn't want to go to practice. So what do you do?



You take one look at the hour long line to the Pharaoh’s Fury, and head for the hills. While spouting off epithets and mutterings under your labored breath, you make promises of returning later this evening to the park to resume festivities. All seven of you (oh- there's also an infant baby in the mix I haven't mentioned) walk hastily toward the SUV to bring the 5 year old to practice 30 minutes late. Shortly thereafter, the yelling begins, rude words are said, and promises are broken. Did you make it back to the Amusement Park? No. Are you the worst parent ever?  Yes.


That's okay. You've been called that before. Today is Thursday, and you figure, if they hate each other and you, then maybe they should harness their aggression with laser tag. They play two - 30 minutes rounds of laser tag, and have a fantastic time. Well, except for one crying hysteric, but we won't go into that.

Look at you! You're back on your way up to the top. So, on the way home, you decide to stop for pizza, frostees, and have lunch at the park. It's a beautiful day, and the children hate each other, but no worries you can see this situation turning around.



It's Friday, and . . . .the situation hasn't turned around, but you’re going to the beach anyway. If all else fails, you can drown your sorrows, literally. You pack the car, the kids, the kite, and head off into the sunset (because now its 4:00pm, you should have left by noon, but no need to beat yourself up about it). You get to the beach, lay out all your accoutrements, and breathe in the fresh ocean air. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, he just got my shorts all wet!!!!! " "She just threw sand in my face!" On, and on and on.



You break out the Pringles, the marshmallows, and chocolate chip cookies, and silence again finds its place. The children peacefully nibble on their little bights as you scrounge around the trunk for the kite. The kite soars up into the blue sky, the children run, hop, and gaze in amazement. You pack up the car, pick up some dinner, and head home. Everyone jumps out of the car, and you notice one kid crying and one kid with a fiery red pissed off face. That's it. YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH. You refuse to even attempt to figure this one out. You get Nana on the line for reinforcement, and you call Dad to settle the dispute. You leave the room, you hear mumbles, a lot of no's, a few giggles, and then nothing.



You return to the room.



"What did you tell them?" You ask your doe eyed spouse.



"Well, I just said they are both the best." he calmly states.



"No, seriously, what did you say?"



"That is what I said. They are just fighting because they are both really competitive. It's like when I handed them the ice cream cones, they started arguing over whose was the biggest. So I just said, they both are the biggest. Just like both of your nachos are the cheesiest and the meatiest. Just like you both are the smartest, and the best. Then I told them to shake hands and hug. They fell on the floor giggling, but I broke it up before Shelbi started crying about Chase breaking her hip. . . . . .Now there upstairs watching a movie."



And that was that. And that is why you really dig this man. Why you met him, married him, and spawned with him. And most importantly, why you can have a crazy, unpredictable life, and still say "I wouldn't have it any other way." We'll just add this week to your list of reasons why you love him soooooooooooo. Reason 9,888,756 Why I love him: He really is rather smart, and a quite dandy mediator.



Okay, okay, okay. So these weren't really your children or your husband. They're mine. But I'm hoping somebody out there can relate, or at least have a good laugh at my expense. After that day at the beach, we came home, scrubbed up and put our issues to rest. We'll always remember Spring Break 2010 as the one when all hell broke loose and we needed to do a bit of cleaning up our minds, bodies and spirits. So here's to a better day and a clean shiny body, the fun way. What's our craft? BATH TUB Paint!!! Have fun making this with your kids.

Bath Tub Paint!!!!


What You Need:
Medium sized saucepan

1 1/2 cups of water (add more for runnier paint, less for thicker paint)

1/2 cup of cornstarch

1 cup of liquid baby bath soap



What To Do:
1. Bring water to boil in saucepan under medium high heat. Remove from heat.

2. Add cornstarch, and stir until fully dissolved.

3. Add soap to the mixture, and stir until there are no lumps.

4. Return to heat until just boiling.

5. After the mixture cools, add food coloring, and store in an airtight container.

*The paint shouldn't stain, but just to be safe, spot test your tub before use.

Super Easy Lemon Pie

When I was 19, I caught a glimpse of the most beautiful boy that I had ever seen before in my life. He was tall, muscular, and had a smile that KILLED for days. I saw him, but he didn't see me. . . . . until about a year later when I rocked his world, and he hasn't been the same since.

From the very beginning, there was never, ever any other choice. I was his, and he was mine. Two spirits destined to be together, as if it had been a choice that was determined long ago. It has always been the case, that when I look at him, I see beyond, down deep, into his soul. To the place where we hide truth, hope, and crazy, stupid, never gonna die, never gonna give up love.

If you were to ask me (and I'm sure you want to - but it's a little hard with this one way conversation) when did I know I loved him? I would say "Always. I think I always loved him. My heart was just waiting for him to show up." So, when he finally did arrive, I gladly jumped into the abyss that is Warwick Woodard.

Did he shower me with flowers? Jewelry? Long Romantic Dates? Ummmmm. No, no, and no. But one day when I was walking home from class, I saw that he washed my car, on a hot afternoon, after football practice; now that's love. Since then, he's brought me tacos from Taco Bell in the middle of the day for no reason, truly loved every lump and bump on my body, and held my hands after the birth of my first child as I pooped and thought I would die. Nuff said.

So on this glorious day, in the year 2010 we celebrate the day that my prince was born 35 short years ago. We'll celebrate with a few of his favorite things, namely me, and pie that will drop his jaw and send his taste buds into overload.

Happy birthday to you, sweet boy, Happy Birthday to you!

Super Easy Lemon Pie

Ingredients:

3 eggs

Juice of 3 lemons (equivalent to 3 3/4 oz. of lemon juice)

1 1/4 c. sugar

1/4 c. butter, melted and cooled to room temperature

1 pre-made unbaked pie shell

Whipped Cream for garnish


Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. Mix first 3 ingredients with an electric mixer on medium high for 2 minutes.

3. Add butter, and mix for a minute longer.

4. Pour mixture into unbaked pie shell.

5. Bake for 30 minutes or until center is set and edges begin to turn light brown.

6. Garnish with whipped cream.

Burying Your Small Pet in Your Backyard

Uuuuugggghhh. My heart is breaking. Death can be a bee-ah-ch.


Dear Shelbi,

There are no words for me to say how very sorry I am. And I know, you probably don't want to hear this right now, but you need to know that you were such a good mommy, and Diva loved you very, very, much.

It has been 71 days since she first walked into our lives. It wasn't enough time. Not enough time to teach her all the tricks you wanted her to know, not enough time to build up her culinary palette with cheeses and fruits of all types, not enough time to watch her grow into a beautiful full grown rat. But plenty of time to love her fully and to be loved by her completely.

And I know that she loved you with every bit of spirit that she had. I know this because when you came into the room she danced around her cage as if in a ballet. She ran on her wheel, to delight you with her amazing "rat"tastical feats. I know this because, every spirit who has ever met you has been entranced by you and your strength, and little Diva was no different.

This is a hard lesson that we learn in life. We must love as if each day is our last, because none of us know how long we will be in this place called earth. That's a lesson, which you and sweat Diva have taught me. To just love. To let it be all consuming, and all enveloping. Because, that’s all there really is. That type of love, real love, never disappears. It will continue fill our hearts and our home, and it will remain with you forever.

So we'll lay little Diva's body to rest tonight, and know that she is running in the green grass in Heaven. She'll watch over us, as we continue to live and love in her memory. With every smile that we make, and every giggle that tickles our bellies, she'll know that we are thinking of her and thankful for every moment that we shared.

Good night Sweet Diva. Rest in Peace.

Burying your small pet in your backyard

1. Dig a hole at least 3 feet deep (the hole needs to be very deep in order to prevent other animals from smelling it, and trying to dig it up.)

2. Place your pet in a biodegradable box.

3. Lay the box in the hole.

4. Say your last good-byes. Maybe everyone in the family could share a nice memory.

4. Refill the hole with dirt.

5. Place large rocks on top to prevent any other animals from digging it up.

6. Have a special meal to commemorate your little pals going home celebration. In honor of our pet rat, we had Catfish, potatoes, fruit salad and carrot cake for dessert (some of Diva's favorites).

I'm mentally exhausted. For a more detailed instructions, check out this link; it was very helpful. http://www.wikihow.com/Bury-a-Dead-Bird

Chore Chart

Magnetic Chore Chart

Aaaaaah this morning. I awoke to rain tapping on my window sill, the slow escape of the crescent moon as it tucked its weary face under the cover of the clouds, and the scamper of tiny little feet (and it wasn't my kids). I walked into the kitchen to notice my charming husband sweeping the floor. "Wow" I thought, "this is gonna be a great friggin' day!"

I should have known. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I saw him sweep.
"Hey," he said smiling. "The ants are back."

Okay Woodard Kids, this one is for you. Enough of the taco shells on the kitchen floor, couscous stuck to the seat of the chair, and that sticky grainy stuff that I can never wipe off the table. We are making a chore chart, and we are making it today! Shelbi to the floors! Bella clean the seats! And SOLEDAD CLEAN THAT CRAP OFF THE TABLE!!!!!"

Magnetic Chore Chart

What you need:

Large Magnetic dry erase board
Magnetic paper for printers
Decoupage Glue
Paint Brush
digital photos of your children
Microsoft Office Powerpoint

1.   Choose the digital pictures that you will be using for this project.  Pictures can be scanned or downloaded from your digital camera.

2.  Using PowerPoint (Microsoft), design the layout of your chore chart. On my chart, I designed a column for each child, with a square picture of them at the top. You can easily insert the appropriate pictures onto your Powerpoint Page by going to the tab at the top of the page labeled insert, then go to picture, from file, and insert the personal photo of your choice.

3.  Next design rectangles with the names of each chore inside of them.  For children who can not read, try inserting pictures or clip art as visual representations of the chores you would like them to do.

3. Design larger rectangles with the words "Chores to Do" and "Chores Complete". 

4.  Assemble pictures, clip art and rectangles onto as few pages as possible, and print onto the magnetic sheets.

5.  Brush each picture and rectangle with decoupage glue, making sure to cover the entire surface. This will help to make the magnets smudge and water resistant.

6.  Once the glue is dry, cut out and arrange on magnetic board or on refrigerator.

7.  Get to work!!!!!!

Gummy Candy

For a few years when I was a kid, my family lived in a tenement in Germany. The building sat on top of this really big hill that we used to run, roll, and fall down. At the bottom of the hill sat a little neighborhood shop. The man who ran the store was short by my standards, with peppered hair and rosy cheeks. He always wore a grey tweed sweater of different variations, with an apron of some kind. He smelled like grass, musty underarms, and gumdrops. Distinct smells separately, but earthy and lovely when combined all together.

But those weren't the only smells in the store. There were woodsy chocolates, maple-ly roasted nuts, and ooh - sweet Jesus - there were gummies till the end of kingdom come. They swirled around the store in scents of strawberries, peaches, and sour apple. And when you placed just one on your tongue, rolling it around to feel the smoothness of the treat, only to bight down into a chewy, gooey, sensation, then you knew. . . .life couldn't get any better than this.

I wish my kids had a memories like that. They don't live on the top of a hill in some foreign land; they live on a quiet street in Houston. No cute little gingerbread shops around here, though the Taco Truck that feeds the construction workers drives by daily, does that count? I didn't think so. Well, I can't move that German man and his shop to H-town, and honestly I'm not sure he'd come. And then there's that problem of the hill. So instead, maybe we'll make gummies in our little homey kitchen, and they'll make memories of their own.

Gummy Hearts

What you need:

*Non stick cooking spray (optional - we didn't use it, and our molds came out easily)

Some type of small mold (i.e. candy mold, small ice cube tray, mini muffin tin, etc.)

2 packets (.25 oz each) of unflavored Gelatin

3 packs Jell-O (regular or sugar-free)

1/3 cup water

*some recipes call for the nonstick spray, but we didn't use it because we didn't want greasy gummies. Our gummies were very sturdy and came out of their molds, without any ripping or tearing!

What to Do:

1. Pour water into a small sauce pan. Add Jell-O and Gelatin, and stir to incorporate. Let sit 10 minutes.
2. Over a medium heat, stir the mixture until is has completely dissolved, about 3 minutes.
3. Cool slightly, and pour into a small pitcher or water to make pouring into the molds easier.
4. Fill molds and cool completely, or place in freezer for faster jelling.
5. Remove gummies from mold.  These gummies are sturdy, so don't be afraid to apply pressure.

Enjoy!

Sweet and Tangy Sloppy Joes

Today was a crazy day.  Not the head spinning crazy, just the "nothing went as planned" crazy. 

That being said, I think the day went really well. 

All my children still have 10 fingers and 10 toes; though my 3 year old swears her thumb is bleeding to death. 

My husband loves me, and told me so.

I talked to my best friend and laughed more times than I can count.

And. . . . . I made dinner in 30 minutes, my children ate it, and didn't complain (well about the food anyway).

Life is good.

Sweet and Tangy Sloppy Joes
(Try serving these with Sweet and New Potato Oven Fries)

Ingredients

Cooking Spray
1 lb. ground beef, turkey or chicken
1 tsp Creole Seasoning or Season Salt
1 yellow onion, finely chopped
1 carrot, finely chopped
1 TB chopped garlic
1/2 cup Red Wine Vinegar (could substitute Apple cider vinegar)
15 oz. can of tomato sauce
1/4 c. packed brown sugar
1 TB white sugar
Pinch of Baking Soda
Whole Wheat Hamburger Buns
Lettuce
Cheese slices

Directions

1. Spray large skillet with cooking spray. Over medium heat brown ground beef.
2. Add onion and carrots. Cook until soft, about 3 minutes.
3. Add garlic and cook about 1 minute.
4. Add vinegar, tomato sauce, brown sugar, sugar and season salt. Stir to combine, and cook on medium-low for 20 minutes (after 15 minutes, if sauce is too tangy, add the baking soda).
5. Spoon Sloppy Joe Sauce onto the bottom half of a bun. Top with cheese and lettuce. Serve warm.
   

Recipe Summary

Sweet and New Potato Oven Fries

Try these tasty fries out for size.  They are a family favorite.

Sweet and New Potato Oven Fries

Ingredients

2 Sweet Potatoes
4 Large New Potatoes
3 TB of canola oil
Salt and Pepper

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. Wash and peel sweet potatoes. Cut in half, and slice into french fry sticks. A good size is approx. 3" long and 1/2" wide. All potato slices should be relatively uniform, so that they cook at the same rate.
3. Wash new potatoes. Cut in half, and slice into sticks.  Place potatoes on cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or Silpat. Drizzle with oil.  Season with salt and pepper.
4. Cook for about 30 minutes, or until potatoes are brown around the edges.

Green Chicken Enchiladas

I'm trying to be more spontaneous with my kiddos.  You know, throw caution to the wind, take the path less traveled, and think outside of the box.  That's what I'm trying to do, live life on the edge.

Like today, for instance, I'd like to take Shelbi to the park to play basketball.  Sounds easy enough.  Doesn't sound wild and crazy.  No large obstacles here.

And yes, I agree that to novice eyes, this might seem like a menial task. Au contraire, mon frere!  If we are going to the park, it is quite possible that all hell might break loose. Going to the park on a school day means  . . . . . . . .

Hungry children at 6:00 pm, but no dinner on the table.
Dirty little bodies not scrubbed up by 7:30, when the fairy dust runs out and they turn into Hellions.
Pee on the floor, because as I stated before, they will have lost their minds.
Voices yelling (namely mine), dare I say screaming, because I am having a nervous breakdown.
Witches cackling, because they sense distress, and are coming to recruit my children.

So I ask you, WHAT IS A MOTHER TO DO?  Just risk it?  Jump, without looking?  Have a meltdown? No! P-R-E-P-A-R-E! 

So this is the dealy - I'm going to make a really delightful dinner, early in the day (you can even makes this days in advance) so that when my sweet babies get home from school, they can be whisked off to the park, and still get home before the flood gates come crashing down.

I'm not promising that there won't be pee on the floor, but four out of five ain't bad.

Green Chicken Enchiladas

Ingredients

1 3lb. chicken cooked (Rotisserie Chicken works well)
2 15 oz. jars of Green Salsa (not green Enchilada sauce)
16 oz. of Light Sour Cream
12 six inch corn tortillas
2 cups of Monterrey Jack Cheese
Cooking spray
Cilantro, for garnish (optional)

Directions

1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees.
2. Spray bottom and sides of 13X9 casserole dish with cooking spray.
3. Remove chicken from bone and shred.
4. In a bowl, combine shredded chicken, 15 oz. of salsa, and 8 oz. of sour cream. Mix well.
5. Wrap tortillas in a damp paper towel and microwave until warm.
6.  Fill each tortilla with chicken mixture, roll, and place in casserole dish with the seam side facing down.
7. Mix remaining jar of salsa with 8 oz of sour cream, whisking to combine.
8. Pour half of the mixture over the enchiladas and top with cheese.  The additional mixture can be used as garnish or for dipping tortilla chips.
9. Place casserole in the refrigerator (or freeze) until ready to bake.
10. Bake for 45 minutes, or until cheese is browned and enchiladas are bubbling. Let rest 15 minutes, and garnish if desired.

Leaving an Impression: Front Foyer - Entryway Table

I'll admit it; I want people to like me.  I want them to think I'm cool, smart, and really pretty.  Is that shallow?  Well maybe, but it's the truth.

People should love you, for you, yeh, yeh, yeh . . . . no need for a lecture.  But the fact of the matter remains, when you're an adult, friends are a lot harder to come by. 

So, if some lonely soul is wandering around my neighborhood, looking for a friend, only to stumble across my doorstep, I don't want them to walk through my doorway and exclaim,"What the heck? This is a mess of a house! These people suck!"

So in my mission to leave a good impression, I have attempted to make a welcoming entryway out of my boring and empty foyer. The idea is to make my family appear to be trendy, organized and well read, while still showing who we are at heart.

1.) We are a family who gets along well enough to take family photos.
2.) We are literate, or we like people to believe we are.
3.) We have a plant that we have not yet killed, so maybe we won't kill you.
4.) We have a maroon lamp, so we must like light and we know how to match.

That about sums us up.  So now when guests walk through our doorway, maybe they'll say, "What a lovely home! Such creative, modern, and lovely people."

And that will be all the time I need to blindfold them and force them to be my friend.

Pasta Bolognese

Okay, so tomorrow is the big softball game, and I need to power my little one up so she can hit the mess out of that ball.  Nothing says "Go Kick Some Softball Boo-Tay!" like a big bowl of Pasta Bolognese (and uuuhh maybe some garlic bread)!

 "Goooooooooooooo Bella!"

Pasta Bolognese
Ingredients:

2 TB olive oil

1 medium yellow onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
1 rib of celery, chopped
2 strips of bacon
1 pound of ground turkey
2 garlic cloves chopped
3/4 c. dry white wine
28 oz. can of spaghetti sauce
1 c. chicken stock
1/2 tsp. thyme
Bay leaf
1/4 c. cream ( or 1/4 c. milk with 2 TB butter)
2 pounds whole wheat pasta
Salt and pepper to taste
Parmesan Cheese for garnish

Directions:

1. Heat oil in the bottom of a large saucepan.
2. Add finely chopped onions, celery, carrots and bacon.  Cook until vegetables are soft and onion is translucent, about 8 minutes. Remove from pan.
3. Brown ground turkey until no longer pink.
4. Add chopped garlic and cook about one minute.
5. Return vegetables to pan, add wine and cook until liquid has almost evaporated (about 7 minutes).
6. Stir in spaghetti sauce, bay leaf and chicken stock. Simmer on low heat for 1 hour, partially covered.
7. Add cream or milk mixture and heat until warm.
8. While sauce is cooking, cook pasta according to package directions.
9. Toss drained pasta with sauce and serve.

Front Door Refinishing

You know those creepy people who lived in your neighborhood when you were a kid? The ones with papery thin skin, who only came out at dusk, and had bats looming overhead at 10 o'clock in the morning? Yeh, them. Well, I think we bought their front door.

And honestly, it's quite alright in October, when we're vamping up for Halloween. Or at Christmas when the door is covered in tinsel. But, the rest of year, it just makes us seem weird. We already have 4 kids and a pet rat. So to our neighbors, it ain't lookin' good.

In an effort, to calm any nerves that might be frazzled by the horrific state of my front door, I have decided to refinish it.

"NO, I've never refinished anything before in my life! And I don't see how that matters!"

The guy at Home Depot already thinks I'm crazy, so it won't hurt my feelings if you don't believe in me either. But, I'm going to do this thing, and my door is going to be beautiful. It's like my Uncle Wilbert used to say, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Do you think that applies to front doors too? Anyway, too late now, I've already bought my supplies, and if you're nice, I'll even tell you what I did.

Refinishing Your Front Door

Note: A word to the wise. This project can be done in a day, but you must start early in the morning if you don't want the neighbors wandering cat sleeping in your bed.

What you Need:

(I didn't use nearly this much material because of the large piece of glass in the center of my door. But these recommendations should give you plenty to work with, no matter the size of your door.)

Phillips [+] and Flat Head [-] Screwdriver

Hammer

One Gallon of Semi Paste Paint Remover (optional - I didn't use it, but if you have a lot of paint on your door, this would prove easier than using sandpaper)

2" bristle brush for removing paint

plastic scraper for removing paint

Fine grit sandpaper (220)

Painters Tape

Minwax Stain (quart)

sponge brush (for staining)

2 spray cans of Spar Urethane (Gloss)

steel wool

Paper Towels

What To Do:

1. Remove the hinge pins from the door. The bottom pin should be removed first. You can do this by placing your flat head screwdriver between the point where the head of the pin and the top of the door hinge meet. Tap lightly on the bottom of your screwdriver with your hammer until the pin loosens and is able to be pulled out (if you are unable to fit the screwdriver in between the head of the pin and the hinge try pushing the pin up from the bottom using a phillips screwdriver and hammer). The top pin should be removed next, ending with the middle pin. Lay the door down on a flat surface with the side you'll be working on facing up.
2. Clean the door with an SOS pad. Let the door dry completely. Using the sandpaper, thorougly scour the door, moving in the same direction as the grain. Remove all dust with a lint free cloth.
3. Using painters tape, tape off any glass or hardware that you do not want painted.
4. Working in sections, apply the stain with a foam brush, to prevent streaks. Be sure to wipe off the excess with a paper towel. Once the optimal color is achieved, it isn't necessary to let the door dry completely before applying the spar urethane. I waited a few hours before moving on to step 5, just to be cautious.
5. Spray spar urethane evenly over the door. The sales associate at Home Depot recommended using the spray instead of the paint can. He indicated that the paint can must be applied with a brush, and under novice hands it will leave streaks on your front door that will be quite visible (and that is not a good thing).
6. Repeat step five, 6-8 times, waiting at least one hour between applications. Drying times will reflect outside temperatures and humidity. In between coats you can lightly brush the door with steel wool to remove any small air bubbles or particles that have blown onto your door.
7. Re-install the door once it is dry to the touch.